Snack Bandit Strikes Grand Isla Resort

 

 

– A brazen robbery has rocked the Grand Isla Resort, leaving a trail of crinkled wrappers, a mysterious deposit, and more questions than complimentary cocktails. "I thought I was dreaming," says the victim, who wishes to remain anonymous, "but then I saw him – a blur of fur and desperation – sprinting away with my power bar. The wrapper crinkling was the only sound, besides my own disbelief." The culprit, identified by witnesses as "Fred", described as a "four-legged fiend," left behind what authorities are calling a "calling card" – a small, but significant, pile of evidence right outside the victim's patio door. "And the worst part? It was cleaned up with what appeared to be stolen underwear," the victim lamented. "I'm starting to think this wasn't just about the snacks." But the bizarre events didn't stop there. Witnesses later reported seeing multiple individuals dashing through the resort with women's undergarments adorning their heads, screaming for Cinderella. Sources say that these events are unrelated, but Elon Musk has dispatched his Doge's to investigate but has no comment at this time The individuals were spied the next day, sporting black eyes, bloody noses, and hangovers. In a final twist, the band of suspicious characters, now referred to as the Freeloaders with their leader named Fred were seen fleeing the marina on a sailboat. Armed with tape measures and clipboards, Fred was overheard shouting, "We'll be back!" "We're not sure what they're planning," said a bewildered hotel staff member, "but it seems to involve sails, measurements, and possibly more stolen linens." The Grand Isla Resort assures guests that security measures have been increased, with extra patrols and a strict "no panty-wearing on head" policy now in effect. As for the snack bandit, he remains at large, presumably powered by stolen goods and fueled by a thirst for adventure.